I remember it so clearly, so vividly. My marriage was at a crossroads, my father was diagnosed with cancer, my business wasn’t pulling in enough capital to pay my bills, my wife’s grandmother passed away, and my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I was all out of options. I felt broken, defeated, and hopeless. What was I supposed to do?
Everything I had tried and strived for ended up being a failed and useless attempt in the end. I couldn’t continue to live this way. I could no longer bear the pain, defeat, humiliation, and failure. I was all out of answers. Life as I knew it had ended.
I hit my knees in desperation and cried out to God, “I’m done. I’m done trying. I’m done going in these circles of failure and defeat in my life. I’m done trying to be successful and do what I truly want in my life. I give up, God! You can leave me here in the gutter, you can take me to the top of the mountain where I want to be or take me out of this system. I am done.” I gave myself up.
Little did I know how significant this moment would turn out to be in my life. Little did I know the power of surrender, but it would soon be revealed to me. I declared on this day that I was no longer going to try to impose my will upon life. No longer was I going to chase my dreams and goals. No longer was I going to try to do things my way, but instead to let life take me wherever it decided to take me. After all, what did I have to lose?
I may end up dead, but at that time, I felt no fear of death but more of a welcoming of it. I may end up living on the streets or in pain. But anything was better than continuing to experience what I was experiencing in life. I became willing to end up anywhere life decided to take me. This was when my great surrender happened.
I began a morning routine of prayer and gratefulness. Instead of asking God to grant my wishes and dreams, I instead just asked for assistance in letting go of them and being a conduit for him to express through me what he wanted. For the first six months of releasing myself and my judgments towards life, I was still going through situations similar to before. But now my experience had changed because I didn’t judge things based on my own opinions and ideas of what should or shouldn’t happen.
I just let life take me wherever it wanted. I began to become aware of things I had never seen before. I began to notice my environment and the toxicity that seemed to surround me. I also began to see the toxicity that dwelled within me. Not only had I become a product of an environment of toxicity, neglect, and abuse, I had also become someone who created that for myself and others.
Seeing who I was and had been for many years in my life was a rude awakening. My ego was tortured by my exposure and the removal of my mask. When I finally came to terms with what I had become, I was eager to release it and walk a different path. . .
Stay tuned next week for part II of The Great Surrender.
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